.i dont sleep well.

7

yeah, i could eat.

..

a phrase that i hear alot is “take it easy.”  it is usually jammed on at the end of a conversation, as if the person wanted to get the last word in.  i dont really even know what it means.  what am i supposed to take easy?  how does one look when they are taking things easy?  are they slowly and cautiously walking around, affraid to make contact with anything? or are people suggesting that i make sure that my life is always easy.  it seems this is more likely option than someone wandering around like an idiot, appearing to be floating like the michelin tire man.  it seems that everyone, including myself who says this phrase, is advising everyone to take the easy way out or live the most painless life as possible.  i am not advising people to seek pain in life, but it seems rather selfish to make sure that i am having the best possible life, often times at the expense of others.  at the end of my days, i dont want to look back and say, “man, i really did take it easy.  everything was so much fun!”  it seems, no, not seems, but i know, the most growth i have exerpienced or strongest relationships i have built or the closest i have felt to God is when i struggle through hardships with people, going through the shit of life, truly relying on God.  these are the conversations i will remember.  these are the friends i will keep with me.  this is the faith that will guide me.  going to formals and activities and parties and activities and parties are fun, but i want the substance that life is made out of.

i want the merrow of life.

give me the merrow.

.

there is stirring.

what did you want to be when you grew up?

dont worry, im at 199.

fat and skinny boys.

things about me are changing.  i am losing weight like i never have before.  i find myself in the best shape i have ever been in.  for the first time, i am loving the work that needs to be done in order to reach my goals.

things around me are all as i want them to be.  i spend my time with the best people i could imagine.  if i could pick an all star team of friends, i would pick exactly who i spend time with now.  i really enjoy the classes i am in; learning is really exciting right now.  my house is stellar.  church is really picking up and heading in a great direction.  rush is coming and club is a pillar in my life.

even though i feel like i am undergoing very substantial changes, i am remarkably the same as i have ever been.  i find myself getting nervous, intimidated as hell and not able to talk around a girl that i like.  i still say dumb or not funny things around her when i finally do find the courage to talk.  my future is uncertain.  i am clueless when i  consider what i will be doing next year or the year after that.

with all of the changes happening in my life, all the weight i am losing, the “new person” i am becoming, i would still consider myself as an insecure person.  i guess i am not becoming a new person, but rather a new looking person.  when i planned on losing weight, i figured that confidence would just come with the shedding of pounds, but i find myself suprisingly disappointed.

i need to learn to love myself completely, not just looks.

how do i do that?

leave it all behind

my good friend chris and i were talking the other day, when we got on the subject of the presence of God in our lives.  i began to ask myself what that even means.  over the past year, i dont know that i have had a solid period of more than a few days or a week where i felt what i had previously named the “presence of God”.  it used to come from an awesome bible study on wednesday night, a great sermon when i was just getting introduced to the scriptures and stories such as Daniel’s or even a daily devotional.  i even used to get really into worship bands.  this is when Christianity was brand new to me.  now it seems that a devotional or worship song will rarely “fire me up”, but i dont know if thats where i need to be.  i cant seem to remember Jesus ever talking about getting fired up or really excited to read my bible (im not saying that i think its a bad idea to read my bible, just an example), but i can remember him investing in relationships, loving people who maybe have never experienced love or even just hanging out with friends.  this is where i find God and Christ the most.  in the beautiful conversations had over coffee and cigarettes in a dingy diner on the south east side of anderson, indiana, i find God.  God is apparent to me when stripping down and rebuilding old bikes with down and out guys from the local rescue center.  God appears when sitting on my porch by myself or with friends, smoking a cigarette, really sucking the merrow out of life.

i think reading my bible is important to know what Jesus says and to see how women and men of the past have interacted with God, but i think i truly and inspired and fired up with interactions with other people.  i try to see God in these interactions everyday.

!

i could use a little electricity in my life.

you had yourself a boyfriend, used him like the others, you did.

most of my days are characterized by a feeling of overwhelming contentment.  i have been working out 5 or 6 days out of the week, which is followed by a feeling of uphoria.  i am very pleased with my friendships, as i am spending much quality time with most of my good friends.  i am losing weight healthfully for the first time in my life.  i am generally excited about life.  i dont have a clue what i am going to do with my future.  i still have insecurities and piss my friends off and can be too materialistic and so on and so on, but i genuinely love who i am, knowing i am becoming and being who God made me to be.

i am the best i have ever been, i think.

what do you think about all of these last years?

while i was listening to mineral, a favorite band that i havent enjoyed in a very long time, and painting, i began to think about this blog.  wondering if had any regular visitors, who are now surely dwindeling due to my lack of updates, i thought of installing that tracker from google analytics.  this feature seems rather helpful in determining not only how many people visit my simple blog, but even shows where the people are accessing it from.  before i could text levi, or someone better at computers than myself, to help me install it, i changed my mind.  if i knew who was reading my writing, i dont think that would be as fun.  half the fun is not knowing if you have a million viewers or if this is just a nice way to store some of my thoughts for later reflection, a personal, private gathering of ramblings.  i wouldnt mind if someone were to tell me they were reading this or talked to me about some of the things i write about; i would enjoy that actually.  but i know that if i had the tracker, i would check that at an overwhelming rate, making me feel desperate.  i would rather not know.  i like the mystery.  and there is mystery.  except for tj.  i know you check this frequently, which always makes me feel appreciated when you tell me that.

whoever is reading this, lets keep doing life together.

if no one is, we will keep doing life together anyways.